The Secret

“Step on the scale for me” the nurse said with a blank face. The only thing racing through my head wasif I'd lost enough.

 

“Should I remove my coat?” I asked nervously, worried it added an extra 10 pounds.

 

“That won’t be necessary,” the nurse said with a continued blank face. I stepped on the scale, and it read 112 lbs. I looked over at my mom. Her eyes glazed with tears and her cheeks flushed red. I could tell she was disappointed, but I couldn’t help but celebrate in my head because that was the least I’d weighed so far. “Step into room 2. Dr. Schroder will be with you as soon as possible.”

 

During the eternity known as waiting for the doctor, my mom decided that it was a good time for an intervention.  

 

“You’re lucky to be alive right now, Karlie. As soon as we get home, I’m calling the rehab center, and you’re staying until you’re better,” cried my mother.  

 

“It’s not my fault.”

 

“Of course it’s not. Nothing’s your fault. You can’t be responsible for anything even if your life depended on it. Did someone force you to starve yourself? No. Do I, or your father, not cook food for you every night? No. This time I’m holding you responsible. You have to grow up and realize the world isn’t going to care for you like I do.” 

 

She doesn’t know that all of my so-called “friends” I grew up with dropped me when we got into high school because their new friends said I was overweight. It wasn’t drastic, though. I started noticing them missing during lunch, but they made excuses that they were practicing their dance routines. But I was very understanding. I didn’t want to be that annoying, clingy friend. Then, they started making excuses as to why they canceled our plans last minute. Next thing I know, I’m alone at the lunch table for the rest of sophomore year. I finally got the hint. I went into my junior year with zero friends, so I stayed in the bathroom at lunch.

 

One day while sitting in the bathroom, I got a Snapchat notification. It was one of my old best friends, Natalie. My palms were drenched with sweat, but without hesitation, I tapped the little, yellow ghost and opened her message. It read “I’m so glad you told me to drop Karlie. She literally is the biggest joke at this school. She weighs as much as all of us combined. LOL!!!” Immediately my eyes filled with tears. I texted my mom that I felt sick, and she called me so I could leave for the rest of the day. That message was clearly not meant for me, and I made sure my mom never found out about it.  

 

“Thank you for your patience. Flu season has kept me busy. What brings you in today?”  

 

“Lately―” I began. 

 

“Karlie has been getting random bruises all over her body and has had a dramatic hair loss recently,” my mom said sternly. “We just wanted to come in and make sure everything looked okay, that it isn’t something to be alarmed about.”

​

Before coming to the doctor’s office, my mom didn’t have a clue what was going on with me. It was only in the waiting room that she had put the pieces together. But I knew coming to the doctor’s office was pointless. I was starving. It wasn’t something the doctor could fix.  

 

“Ah, I see. I’m just going to ask you a few questions. Does that sound good?” 

 

“Sounds great,” my mother agreed. 

 

“Allergic to any medication?” 

 

“No,” I answered.

 

“Sexually active?” 

 

“No.” 

 

“Are you experiencing any discomfort?” 

 

“Not really. Only sometimes.” 

 

“When would that be?” 

 

I paused. I wanted to tell him what was really going on because I actually did want to get better. 

 

“Actually, not really.” 

 

“Okay. Thank you, Karlie. This random bruising and hair loss can be a number of things, but from the information you gave me, I believe it is anemia. Are you a vegetarian?” 

 

“Not since freshman year of high school.” 

 

“Personally, it would be in your best interest to start an iron supplement or to increase your intake of red meat. After doing that, your bruising and hair loss should slow down and eventually stop.” 

 

“Thank you, Dr. Schroder. I will start being more mindful of it.” 
 

I lied. I knew I needed real help. I dreaded stepping into the car because I knew I wasn’t going to hear the end of it. But the whole ride home, we were silent. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore.  

 

“I’m sorry, Mom. I never meant to let it get this out of hand. I know you are disappointed, but I’m going to fix this. I promise.” 

 

“I birthed you. I created your body. Not for you to harm, but for you to flourish and live in. Did I do something wrong? Did I not tell you I loved you enough? You are my greatest accomplishment, Karlie, and I love you with all my heart.” 

 

This broke me. How was I supposed to explain to my mom that this had nothing to do with her? I couldn’t think of anything to say back, so I stayed silent for the rest of the car ride and went straight up to my room when we got home.  

 

Bzz Bzz Bzz. I silence my alarm and go about my normal morning routine. Yesterday didn’t even seem real. My secret, my best kept secret, had gotten out, but she never actually found out. My dream had come back last night, and the secret was still safe with me. I walked downstairs to greet my parents and leave for school. As I grab my backpack―

​

“You look so tired, hunny. Did you get enough sleep last night?” Mom asked.

 

“Actually, I had a weird dream that kept me up.” 

 

“Maybe you should go brush your hair and put on a different outfit so that nobody at school notices. Just a thought…” she replied, disregarding my response. 

 

“Morning, Dad!” I said, trying to ignore my mom’s sly remark.  

 

“Good morning, beautiful,” he replied. 

 

It made me mad. I wanted her to notice so badly, but she couldn’t even get past my appearance. My dad was oblivious to the whole thing, just as fathers usually are. But he was my best friend and the only person keeping me sane around my mother. I realized that morning that nobody actually cares for my well-being or cares to notice that I’m slowly killing myself. All I get are compliments or critiques. It was almost like I wasn’t having an eating disorder the right way. In order for me to get better, I knew I would have to do it on my own.