Bottled Plague Doctor
Xavier Saldivar
Do you ever feel fatigued, nauseous, stressed, achy, congested, feverish, or perhaps even bubonic? Do you suffer from chronic back pain, flu, color blindness, regular blindness, cancer, or any other condition you can think of? Well, no matter what it is that plagues you all you need is a gulp of Panacea Corp’s newly patented Bottled Plague Doctor. Our mix of all natural ingredients is sure to give you the relief from any sort of symptom, illness, or general inconvenience you may deal with in your daily life. For the simple price of $79.99, you can get an 8 ounce bottle of this miracle substance. Be sure to act now before they’re sold out on store shelves.
*Note: Bottled Plague Doctor is not FDA approved, but what have they really ever done for anyone anyway?
*Disclaimer: By purchasing and taking Bottled Plague Doctor, you agree to absolve Panacea Corp of any responsibility in the event that undesired side effects may arise.
“And that’s enough TV for one day,” Alex said to himself dryly as he turned off the screen. “I don’t know why I still have a television at this point when every time I turn it on, I lose a little more faith in humanity.”
Alex began to ponder what he had just seen. How can someone make such blatantly false claims about a product on TV and sell it? Also, who would actually be stupid enough to go out and buy it?
Suddenly the door to the living room burst open.
“Alex! Alex! Alex!”
An agitated groan escaped Alex's lips. “Yes, Greg?”
“Do you remember how I told you about how I keep having that weird pain in my shoulder?”
With some hesitation in his voice, Alex responded. “Yes...”
“Well I saw this this thing on TV―”
“Hold on,” Alex interrupted. “Please do not tell me you bought that Bottled Plague Doctor garbage.”
“Woaahh, dude, how did you know? Are you, like, in my head or something?”
“No, thank God. I just had a feeling,” Alex said realizing that Greg was exactly the kind of person who was stupid enough to do such a thing. “You aren’t going to actually take this stuff, are you?”
“Of course! It cures everything.”
“I highly doubt that.”
“No, for real, dude. There have been tons of studies and stuff on it.”
“Studies by whom, exactly?”
“Scientists...”
“Well, that certainly helps to support your claim”
“Hey, come on. It’s perfectly legit, man. It’s not like there’s any sort of harm in taking it anyway.”
“You mean aside from wasting your time, money, and possibly worsening your condition because you’re using some phony cure-all drug instead of actually seeing a medical professional?”
“God, you’re being such a downer. It’s gonna be fine.” Greg began to raise the bottle to his mouth.
“Let me see that.” Alex snatched the small bottle from Greg’s hand and looked at the back label “What is in this stuff anyway?”
“Greg, did you really spend eighty dollars on a product that actually lists ‘Placebo’ as an ingredient?”
“What’s the matter with that?”
“Do you know what a placebo is?”
“No, but if it comes from nature then it’s not like it could hurt me.”
“You say that as if poison oak, pufferfish, and tigers aren’t also found in nature”
“I don’t see what you’re getting at.”
Alex let out a deep sigh. “You know what? I’ve stopped caring. You can just go ahead and drink that entire bottle for all I care.” Alex said as he tossed the bottle back to Greg.
“Awesome!”
In a single swift motion Greg opened the bottle and began to chug its contents down in seconds. Alex could do or say nothing in response, as just as quickly as the liquid was in Greg’s stomach, he dropped on the floor seizing, wheezing, and foaming at the mouth.
“Hmm. Well, I guess that he won’t be getting any more shoulder pain anytime soon.” Alex reached for his phone and searched through the ‘frequently contacted’ list in his saved numbers. “Yes, 911? Yeah, it’s him again. You can just send the ambulance to the usual place. I’ll leave him on the driveway just to make things easier for both of us.”
