Perfect

By Joy Umoekpo

Travis swore as he spilled coffee across the front of his white shirt and put the carafe back on the warming plate. At least it was already cold since it’d been out since yesterday. The lid was open, and the secretary forgot to pour it out again.

“You know, you’re supposed to drink that, right?” Dustin said from behind him with a laugh. He came to stand beside Travis. “You look awful.”

“Aside from the coffee on my shirt?” Travis dabbed at the wet stain. It would take forever to come out.

“Seriously, man. You look like you got hit by a steamroller,” Dustin said, pouring water into the empty reservoir of the coffeemaker. “When was the last time you slept eight hours?”

Travis slowed his dabbing. “I haven’t really been sleeping since... you know. Brianna cries most of the night and sometimes doesn’t get to sleep until close to three in the morning.”

“Oh, snap.” Dustin stopped adding coffee grounds to the filter and looked at Travis with wide eyes. “I am so sorry man. I completely forgot about—”

“It’s fine,” Travis said, throwing the coffee-stained napkins away in the trash can by the window. “Don’t worry about it.”

They were silent as the coffee brewed and the pungent smell filled the air.

“You know,” Dustin turned his head to Travis after pouring himself a cup of coffee and covering the lid, “my sister’s really good with kids. If you need an afternoon or night to yourself on the weekend, maybe Jessie could look after Brianna—”

“No, no, I couldn’t ask her to do that.” Travis shook his head. “I’m sure she’s busy with other things—”

“Dude, her schedule is super flexible. All she does is film videos all day. I’m sure if you ask, she’ll say yes and you can finally get a full night's sleep. It’ll be a lot cheaper than paying for daycare, and Jessie will love it, too.”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but I’m fine, honestly. I can handle it,” Travis said, pulling his shirt out of his pants. “The only thing I need to do now is change my shirt.”

“You’re going home to change? Boss won’t like that.”

Travis shook his head as he unbuttoned his shirt. “No, I’ve got an extra shirt in the car. I make sure to keep one after a couple of accidents with Brianna.”

“That’s smart. You always seem to have a plan,” Dustin said, watching Travis for another moment. “You know, it’s okay to ask for help every once in a while.”

“I know that,” Travis said, pausing with the buttons and looking up at his friend. “I ask for help—”

“Okay, Trusty Travis. Sure you do,” Dustin said, rolling his eyes as he grabbed his coffee from the counter. He headed for the break room door. “Just talk to my sister. She’ll be thrilled.”

Dustin stopped in the doorway and turned back to Travis “And I’m sorry again about... Annie.”

Travis’s hands fell from his shirt and he swallowed before putting on a small smile. “It’s all good. I’m fine. Thank you.”

“No problem, man. If you ever want to talk—”

“Thanks.” Travis nodded. “You should get to your desk before the boss writes you up again.”

“Right. I better get going, but we’ll talk later.” Dustin exited the room.

“Yeah,” Travis said after his friend left. “We’ll talk later.”

***

“Hey, Travis. You wanna come out for drinks tonight?” Dustin asked, putting on his jacket as everyone in the office started to leave their desks.

Travis shook his head as he continued to type on his computer. “I have to finish this. Maybe next time.”

“Yeah. Next time,” Dustin said with a nod and a shaky smile. He headed to the elevators. “See you tomorrow.”

“See you tomorrow,” Travis said waving at Dustin without looking at him. He was sure that he heard his friend whisper “Trusty Travis” on his way out. Travis faltered in his typing for a moment before continuing. Footsteps faded as Dustin and the others walked out of the room into the corridor. About half an hour later, he logged off the computer.

Travis headed for the bathroom with sagging shoulders and heavy eyelids. He walked in and went directly to the sink. He looked at his reflection and sighed at the dark circles under slightly bloodshot, brown eyes and unkempt hair. He turned on the sink and placed his cramped hands under the cold, flowing water. He splashed it on his face a few times and walked out of the restroom. Soon, he was out of the office with his things in hand and his shoulders tense again as he walked to his car.

Travis was assaulted by the scent of baby powder and lavender essential oil as he walked into the nursery. There were three babies left, two of which were crawling around the floor under Ms. April’s supervision and the last sleeping peacefully in a cushioned crib.

“Mr. Barnett?” called the other nursery worker, a young girl he’d seen a few times.

Travis tore his eyes from the crib to the other nursery worker walking up to the crib. She took the baby in her arms and walked over to the man with a smile. “How are you, sir?”

Travis returned the smile with a small one of his own. “I’m alright.”

His attention switched to the baby girl the worker held. The infant stirred slightly when she was picked up from the crib but ultimately settled back into her slumber. The baby breathed softly, and her chubby cheek flattened on the worker’s chest. Her peaceful expression made her look like a cherub, and Travis’s smile grew a bit. “How was she?”

“She was really good. She just slept through most of the day again,” the worker –Jamie, according to her name tag—said with a smile while looking at the slumbering baby.

“Well, I’m glad she wasn’t any trouble,” Travis said, taking the baby from her arms. “Thank you for caring for her.”

Travis nodded and turned to walk to the front door.

“Um, sir?”

Travis stopped and turned. “Yes?”

“I was wondering,” Jamie said with wide, curious, innocent eyes. “Where’s Brianna’s mom? I don’t think I’ve seen her.”

“Uh, she…,” Travis said, looking down at Brianna as he trailed off.

“Jamie!” Ms. April called as she stood to her feet. “Come watch the babies and stop pestering Mr. Barnett.”

“O-okay, ma’am,” Jamie said before looking at Travis with one last smile. “Bye, Mr. Barnett. I hope that you and Brianna have a good evening.”

“…You too,” Travis said as Jamie walked away and Ms. April walked over.

“I’m sorry about her,” the older woman said when she came over. Her graying black hair was tied in a bun and her glasses were folded in the pocket of her shirt. “She’s a bit of a nosy one and doesn’t know about what happened with Annie. I forgot to tell her not to mention—”

“It’s okay. Really,” Travis said with a flash of a smile as he adjusted Brianna in his arms.

“That girl should know better than to ask personal questions like that. I swear it’s like she was raised under a boulder,” Ms. April said with a shake of her head before her gaze shifted to Brianna who gave a big yawn in her sleep and back to Travis. “How have you been holding up this past month? I can’t imagine how hard everything has been for you. Has your family been helping?”

“Well, I don’t really have family out here, and Annie’s family…was never really a part of our lives,” Travis said, rubbing Brianna’s back lightly. “But I—we’re okay. Things are going okay.”

“Are you sure? Honey, you look like you haven’t had a solid night of sleep in days,” Ms. April said with worry in her clear eyes. “Does Brianna still cry through the night?”

“Sometimes, but it’s fine. I can handle it.”

Ms. April gave him a small smile. “It’s okay to say it’s hard, Travis. I remember when you and Annie came in here flustered with Brianna two months ago. It’s hard enough learning how to care of your first baby, and now you’re doing it alone. I can’t even imagine how you feel."

Travis opened his mouth. "It’s okay. I know you’re ‘fine’,” Ms. April said not unkindly before he could form a reply. She put her hand over his hand which rested on Brianna’s small back and raised an eyebrow. “But, if you’re ever not fine and need some tips to calm her at night, just call me. I had four babies of my own, so I’ve probably seen it all. Do you still have my number?”

“Yes, ma’am,” Travis said with a nod.

“Then, I expect a call,” she said, taking her hand back and giving him a more serious look. “How do you expect to take care of Brianna if you’re exhausted?”

“Thank you for the offer, but—”

“Just promise me you’ll at least consider it,” she said. “No one should have to go through what you’re going through alone. If you ever feel too overwhelmed, you can call. I can even come over to help. I would do that for you so you can at least get some decent sleep. Alright?”

“…Alright,” Travis said with a swallow and a nod. “I promise to consider it. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, honey. Have a good evening,” she said beginning to walk away before turning back to Travis. “And one last thing, if you ever want to talk about…Annie or anything else, I’m here for that, too.”

Travis gently shifted Brianna again. “I need to get us home now. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Ms. April.”

“Bye Travis. Take care.

Travis nodded. “You too.”

***

Travis’s eyes popped open as a wail tore through the room. He looked at the clock. 11:07 pm. With a sigh, he got out of bed and walked to the crib.

“Hi, baby girl,” Travis said, reaching in and pulling the crying baby out. He laid her on his shoulder and rocked her with gentle pats on her back. The cries settled down for a moment, but they didn’t stop. “Are you hungry? Let’s get some milk in you.”

Brianna continued to cry loudly as Travis walked to the kitchen and prepared her milk one-handed. After warming it up in the microwave, he offered the bottle to her. “Here you go, Bri.”

The infant cries subsided for a moment as her lip closed around the rubber nipple and gave a suck, only to spit it out and scream even louder. With a small start, Travis pulled the bottle out.

“Oh, sorry. I forgot to check the bottle,” Travis said rocking her more. He would have slapped himself if he wasn’t trying to soothe the baby. He put the bottle in the refrigerator. “I forgot. I forgot. I’m sorry.”

Apologies and rocking didn’t quell Brianna, though. She just continued to cry and he kept rocking her until the milk was cooler. He tested it this time and tried giving it to her again. He waited with bated breath as she latched onto the rubber nipple and took a few experimental sips. Brianna soon took more eager sips, and Travis let out a sigh of relief while settling into the living room rocking chair.

He stared at her bright green eyes and rounded cheeks as she fed. She looked so much like Annie even with his hair color and big ears.

You’re perfect.

Annie’s words echoed in his mind. She'd said them after their ninth or tenth date, whenever he doubted he was good enough for her, during his proposal, in her wedding vows, when she first laid eyes on Brianna, and so many other times that he couldn’t count.

They went from trailer parks and public transportation to white picket fences and red Hyundais together. They moved to a different state for a fresh start and new sights to escape their rough origins, his disapproving parents, and her chaotic family. There were good times and rough patches, but they always managed to make it through to the other side and Annie always had the same reaction.

It’s perfect.

So, why did Annie disappear with only a note to announce her departure?

I’m sorry. Please take care of Brianna.

Two sentences. It took only two sentences for his world to crumble beneath him and the future to become even more unclear. Weren’t they perfect? Weren’t Travis and Brianna all she ever wanted? More than what she ever wanted?

Tears filled Travis’s eyes as he looked away from his daughter. Evidently, being “perfect” wasn’t enough, and who knew if it ever would be. No matter how much he called, emailed, or pleaded with the universe in the past month, he couldn’t find her. She was a ghost in the wind leaving him in this cruel and unfair reality.

It was more cruel and unfair to Brianna, though. She was barely four months old when Annie left and didn’t take well to the sudden shift to formula. She cried endlessly and rarely slept at night the first two weeks after that. She still didn’t have a solid schedule. Between his irregular hours and the work he often had to complete at home, he didn’t always put her to bed at the same time.

Brianna needed both of her parents. She was too young to be without Annie for long. He was barely holding everything together despite appearances at work and the daycare. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could do this without Annie.

His chest hurt as his heart raced. Could he really be a single father if he couldn’t manage to get his baby to sleep at the same time every night and forgot to check the temperature of Brianna’s bottle before feeding her? What if he kept making a bunch of mistakes? His daughter would come to resent him. Would she leave without a word when she was older like her mother? What if—

Brianna cooed, and Travis looked down at her. Her large, green eyes stared up at him, and one of her hands wrapped around the thumb of his hand that held the bottle. She stared for a moment before her blinking and sucking slowed, and she drifted to sleep. He smiled and wiped his tears as his heartbeat slowed.

Travis was careful as he removed the bottle and shifted Brianna to his shoulder to burp her with gentle pats. After she let out a few small burps, he put the bottle away and went back to his room to gingerly place her in her crib. He watched her for a few more moments with the same smile.

He wouldn’t try calling Annie anymore. For whatever reason, she chose to vanish, leaving them a broken family.

But Travis chose Brianna. He knew he wasn’t perfect, but he would do everything he could to make sure she was safe and happy. They would be fine.

Dustin and Ms. April were right. To care for Brianna effectively, he couldn’t collapse from exhaustion. He would take their help.

Travis turned off the lights in the bedroom. He flopped into his bed and turned to see the clock. The numbers 11:54 glowed red. He sighed and shut his eyes, prepared. Brianna would wake again in about two hours, and he’d be there. He’d always be there.