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Never Look Back - Laura Smith

Updated: May 21, 2021




Joelle resisted thinking about the past, but the heated arguments with her soon-to-be ex-boyfriend made that nearly impossible. She was unable to ignore the sadness and anger that consumed her while she tried to work or sleep. Her thoughts always went back to their history together. She spent hours trying to figure out why she allowed herself to be mistreated by him and why she still missed him so much.

Joelle experienced many sleepless nights while she thought about her life. Why do I miss him? I know I’ll be better off, but it still hurts. It hurts so much. As a woman who was raised to be strong and independent, Joelle was bothered by how miserable she felt by Jeff’s actions.

Jeff was not a bad person. He was never violent. He wasn’t always out with friends, but as Joelle discovered, Jeff was manipulative and could be cruel. He once convinced Joelle that he was not responsible for breaking one of her car’s sideview mirrors after slamming the car door too hard. Jeff believed that it was Joelle’s fault because she had made him angry.

Jeff also never thought that he was wrong about anything. If something went wrong, it was always someone else’s fault. He always acted like he was the smartest person in the room. Jeff held people up to impossibly high standards but never himself.

Joelle found herself watching her behavior and walking on eggshells after they moved in together. She only wanted Jeff to love her. She believed that if her behavior was flawless then Jeff would love her forever. Shortly after becoming a couple, Joelle discovered that any benign discussion could quickly become an argument because Jeff sadistically enjoyed playing “devil’s advocate.” He would always choose an opposite opinion of whatever Joelle believed about anything and everything. He sometimes ridiculed Joelle during these discussions. Inevitably, these moments would turn into huge screaming fights. But, Joelle stayed.

Joelle had a lot of time to think after Jeff moved out. She had not realized how much of her time Jeff had monopolized. Conversations and entire afternoons were spent doing something to further his interests and very rarely hers. And she had let him. She had let him decide everything. Joelle looked around their home and discovered that almost every piece of furniture had been chosen by him. There wasn’t much that spoke to Joelle’s tastes. She did not hate it, but it wasn’t hers.

One rainy and humid afternoon, Joelle sat on the couch that she and Jeff had refinished, flipping through channels on the television when she heard music that reminded her of Patrick. She hadn’t thought about him in years. Patrick. Patrick. She said his name softly to herself. Jeff knew about Patrick and was never happy to hear his name in conversation, so Joelle had learned to never mention him in front of Jeff. Joelle and Patrick had been so happy together at one time. But he left, she murmured to herself.

Joelle stopped on an old Woody Allen movie, Another Woman, starring Gena Rowlands. Rowlands played a brilliant philosophy professor, Marion Post, who discovered that her husband, Ken, had been cheating on her. Her life was upended, and she reminisced about one of her husband’s friends who had fallen in love with her. She realized too late that this other man, Larry Lewis, was the person with whom she should have been with and loved. In the end, Marion learned to live alone and found a new happiness through her renewed hope for her future.

Joelle began to cry uncontrollably. Why had she stopped seeing Patrick? Why had she been so scared? Joelle had always felt slightly anxious with Patrick. He was brilliant. Patrick was good looking. He had graduated from an elite college, not a state school like her. He was doing his graduate work at another top-tier school.

But, he never made Joelle feel inferior. “Never,” she said out loud through her sobs.

Patrick wasn’t like that. He made her feel special. Although he told her she was special, Joelle had a hard time believing him. When they first met, she thought maybe he only wanted something physical with her. She couldn’t believe that he actually enjoyed being with her much less that he loved her.

Joelle became embarrassed by her crying. “What good does this do? Nothing. Zero. Doesn’t change anything,” she said as she wiped her face. She heard the steady rain outside and continued to feel bad for feeling bad. Exhausted from her sadness, she fell into a deep sleep.

Her phone rang and woke her. It was Jeff. Joelle did not know if she should answer, but her heart ached. She was lonely. She answered the phone in a boring and tired sounding voice while depressing thoughts filled her head. Great. Now he’s going to know that I’m sad. That I miss him.

“Hey, Joelle,” said Jeff. He continued with an uncertain tone in his voice, “How are you doing?”

“Fine. What’s up?” replied Joelle. Why was he calling her? Perhaps he was trying to set a time to pick up his things, but he sounded so small to her. It was something else. Joelle tried not to get excited.

“Can we grab some coffee?” asked Jeff.

“Now?” asked Joelle with surprise.

“Well, um, the sooner the better. It would be great if we could meet up tonight.”

“Okay. Sure. I can meet you in an hour,” Joelle said nervously. She had tried not to sound anxious or excited, but she couldn’t do it. She was beginning to feel happy.

They chose a location while Joelle’s mind continued to race. If he wants to come back, I am going to make him beg. Who does he think he is? Walking out on me, and now he wants to come back.

Joelle got ready and picked out one of her favorite dresses. She took several deep breaths before leaving her home. “Don’t let him off the hook so easily,” she said.

Then, like a punch to her stomach, she wondered if Jeff even wanted to get back together. Joelle began to feel sick as she walked to her car. What am I thinking? What if he doesn’t want to talk about getting back together? What if he's planning on marrying that horrible girl? What if he got her pregnant?

Joelle had trouble putting the key in the ignition. As she was finally able to start the car, music blasted through the speakers. She struggled to find the volume knob. Joelle felt pressure building inside of her head while she maneuvered her car on the dark, rain-slicked streets.

Joelle entered the café and found Jeff seated at a table in the middle of the coffee bar. There were two cups of coffee and a slice of Joelle’s favorite chocolate cake in front of him. Jeff prefers vanilla cake, but he got me my favorite. Joelle thoughts went from happy to angry in seconds. Stop it. Don’t make things so easy for him again. He’s not good for you. He’s not good enough for you.

Jeff got up and hugged Joelle. “You look great. Thanks for coming.”

Joelle blushed. She could only nod her head in reply.

“I think you know why I asked you here,” Jeff added.

“Not really,” Joelle said quietly while adding cream to her coffee. “Thanks for this,” she said pointing to her coffee and cake.

“Of course. I know you love their chocolate cake here,” said Jeff. There was a long pause. “So, I want to come back home,” Jeff said.

Joelle’s heart felt like it was soaring. She couldn't control her smile, but she also had reservations. Come back home? You left! Joelle was about to unleash her rehearsed tongue lashing for being so cruel to her, but all she could say was, “What happened?”

“Well, I only took off because you made me mad. Otherwise, all of this would not have happened. You really need to think before you say such ugly things to me,” he said without a hint of guilt. “I mean, I really did not want to leave. I’ve been trying to function with a few changes of clothes and only my laptop. I need to be around my art supplies. I have a lot of work to do.”

Joelle was stunned and bit the inside of her cheek. She stammered, “But I didn’t do anything wrong. I defended myself. You kept telling me I was wrong, and I wasn’t.”

“No, I didn’t. I had to defend myself, and then you started calling me names. You said some really awful stuff,” he countered. “You should apologize to me.”

Joelle could not let what he'd just said go. Through gritted teeth, she said “I am not apologizing!”

“Oh, my God. Keep your voice down. You always get so overdramatic. You can’t control your emotions,” Jeff said.

“Me?” Joelle asked incredulously.

“Well, look at how you are acting now. I am trying to fix our relationship, and you seem intent on blowing it up while being loud and unreasonable,” he added.

Tears began to fill Joelle’s eyes. She told herself not to cry while digging a thumbnail into her right wrist under the table. Then she happened to look away to the back part of the café. Joelle couldn’t believe her eyes. It was Patrick. She felt butterflies in her stomach. In less than a second, her thoughts changed. Oh...it’s meant to be. It’s Patrick!

Joelle started to try to get up from the table. In her haste, her right hip knocked into the table, and their coffee sloshed around in their mugs. Jeff looked at her like she was crazy, but she only had eyes for Patrick. Her hands began to sweat as she walked over to his table.

“Patrick,” she said in a low voice to not surprise him.

“Joelle!” Patrick exclaimed. He stood up and hugged her.

Joelle felt so relieved and happy. Patrick was right in front of her. Her mind was flooded with new ideas. It’s all going to be okay. I don’t have to apologize to that jerk. Patrick’s here! And before she knew it, Jeff was by her side placing his right arm around her.

“Hey, Jeff,” Patrick said.

“Hi,” Jeff grunted.

“When did you get back?” Joelle asked anxiously, suddenly aware of Jeff’s attempt to own her in front of Patrick.

“I’ve been back for a while,” Patrick answered.

Joelle was trying to maneuver herself out from under Jeff’s arm that felt like a huge weight. She was already picturing herself with Patrick and away from Jeff for good. She knew that she couldn’t let this chance go by. This is perfect! Now I don’t have to apologize for something I didn’t do - again. Patrick’s here. Everything will be great! As joy filled her body, she tried to think of what to say to Patrick next, and then she saw it.

As quickly as her exuberance had filled her mind, a deep sorrow began to take its place. Joelle began to hear a roaring sound in her ears. Her lungs seemed to stop functioning. Her eyes lost their focus. Her heart raced. She had seen a platinum band on his left ring finger. Joelle felt sick.

She managed to say, “Oh. That’s great. You look wonderful.”

“You do, too,” Patrick said. “You both do.”

Jeff, realizing what was happening, said brightly, “Thanks! We’re doing great.”

Joelle said, “Well, we have to get back. Take care of yourself. It was nice seeing you.” Joelle walked back to their table with Jeff’s arm still hanging on her shoulder.

Joelle’s hands were shaking as she said, “Okay. I don’t want to fight about this anymore. We’ll just move past it.”

Jeff placed his hand on her shaking right hand and said, “Of course. People have fights, but you know I love you.”

Joelle moved her hand away to grab her cup of coffee to take a drink. Coffee splashed over the lip of the mug onto her face and her favorite dress. “My stupid coffee is cold,” she said as a single tear rolled down her right cheek.

While trying to clean the coffee stain from her dress, Jeff began barking orders at her so they could leave.

“This pretentious place charges a lot for these cake slices,” he said. “Hurry and pack them to go. I have a lot to do tonight. What’s wrong? You look pale. Are you still mad at me? You're the one who said we'd move past it.”

Joelle sat motionless and weak staring at the old wooden floors of the café. She felt worn down like the old wooden planks. Whatever polish or gleam she once had was gone. She knew, like those old mistreated floors, that she would continue to be walked on and uncared for until she was completely destroyed. Joelle would not learn to live independently and happily ever after like her heroine Marion Post did in her favorite movie. This was Joelle's final acther end.


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